Day 6 Since I Lost You

It's day 6 since I lost my beloved cat Noel. I suppose her death ended her suffering, but it's like a gaping hole is burrowing its way deeper into my heart. I had Noel since I was probably 3 or 4. She was the most loving, adorable cat I'll probably ever get to know. They are big shoes to fill, probably like how John Adams felt after Washington. How do you follow up that guy? It takes awhile.

Noel, my darling.

I'm trying to just cope and deal with our other cat, Midnight. But unfortunately I wasn't the nicest of little kids to her, and I tried to get her to like me. She's pretty neurotic and independent, coming around when she wants attention. She's definitely no Noel. But as I said, those are big shoes to fill. 

I suppose some of you would think, "Gee, it's just a cat. Get over it." Well, every death comes in threes, I suppose. 
My father lost his father about three days prior. I didn't really know the man other than that he wasn't attached to me any more than a stranger on the street would be with me. I knew they were the "monsters-in-laws" to my mother, and I suppose you could say I cultivated a bias disgust towards them. Well, they each were never the kind of grandparents who you know, sent a birthday card on your birthday (obviously) or even a stupid phone call. I could make a comparison of personalities again. My mother's father, who is still quite alive, is probably one of the most sincere and involved parents and grandparents a child will ever experience. Sure, he lives closer to us. Sure, it's in his nature. But still. Something in his head clicked when he learned that his daughter was having a child. Something in his head told him to want to cultivate a relationship. Instinctual companionship and familial love. Obviously my other grandparents weren't wired that way.
The second death is of course, my cat, who you already know about. 
But the third belongs to (don't mock me for this) my little bit of stability and control over my life. Is it unusual to say that grief makes you feel helpless? I hope not. Because I feel like everything is spiraling out of control. I feel like this slippery slope is getting more slippery, and the snowball just keeps going down that damned hill. Regardless, I'm even doubting my own college applications. I'm fearing my chances of getting into the two schools I want. I'm fearing everything in between. I'm fearing that my boyfriend has grown bored of me, I'm fearing that my AP Chemistry grade is going to sink into the toilet (and getting an F on the last test is just going to make me shoot myself), and I'm fearing that I'm going to lose it one of these days over something ridiculous.
If God exists and if God does things to push us in a certain direction, I honest want to know what crack He's been smoking, and what in the Hell was he thinking. Christ, it's like He's pulling out my teeth. Oh and fellow bloggers, when I say "God" I mean whatever the hell you want it to be. If your God is a tree, awesome. If your God is absolute nothingness, awesome. Writing God is easier than "your cultural diety" or "<Insert religious figure here or insert nothing>." 
I'm at least pleased that I've been able to finish my college essays. At least I have my mother. I think I'd be already dead if I was stuck with my father as my only parent. 
Will someone just shoot me with a crossbow, or something?